


shrapnel is shrapnel

by rexflame



Category: Inazuma Eleven GO
Genre: Depression, Other, i guess it's not really it's more deep contemplation leading to overthinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 23:17:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2086869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rexflame/pseuds/rexflame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>and, at the end of the day, i am alone with what i have done.</p>
<p>(in which fei reflects - maybe a bit too much)</p>
            </blockquote>





	shrapnel is shrapnel

**Author's Note:**

> whew! unbetaed as usual, i really should stop doing this.  
> anyway, i'm relatively content with how this came out! admittedly, it probably shows a lot of canon deviation, and i feel a made fei a bit too bitter, but considering i see him always too..happy and weak, i thought i'd write this.

Forgive and forget seems a lot easier when it's in writing than when you try to do it.

You really want to just forget everything, erase your memory, forget all the wrongs you'd committed and every way you'd been wronged. Forgiveness has never been your strong point - that's something reserved for those who can really smile, like Tenma, some sort of privilege granted to kind people (and you, Fei Rune, are most definitely not a kind person.) You are a bitter person, harboring your darkness beside smiles - the things you do because you want to be the kind of person who wants to.

It is easy for you, sitting alone in the dark, to forgive people, to forgive yourself. At those times you can almost taste it, you can feel the emotion, and you speak the words with whispered tones to the room - "I forgive you," you say to the darkness, "I forgive myself."

The darkness doesn't judge you.

"I'm sorry, Tenma."

Sometimes you don't really feel particularly sorry or forgiving when you speak those words, just spiteful and bitter, but you say them anyways, as if the more you say them the more likely you'll believe them and the more likely you'll be able to say them to the people who need to hear them. You like to imagine it, at night; that somehow Tenma is listening to you speak to yourself and he forgives you, that Saryuu can hear your words and he's ready to apologize for everything (and you're ready to apologize to him, too). But in the end they're just choked and hopeful sentences and you fall to sleep with a sense of emptiness in your chest.

There are days when you almost do it - rest a hand on Saryuu's shoulder, ready to speak, go up to Meia and Giris (they're the ones who told you not to beat yourself up after all this, to move on, but they have each other and you don't have that), prepared to break some unspoken rule to spin into the past and give Tenma a long-overdue apology. 

Instead, you ask Saryuu some worthless question about soccer, you ask Meia and Giris how their relationship is going (Giris pulls you aside and tells you he's planning to propose and that boosts your heart, for a little while), you step away from the past and face into the future. The future scares you, thought, really - a future where no one can forgive you because you can't apologize.

You are so wrapped up in you and yourself that you can't see that they already have.

No one holds any spite between them anymore, but you are too afraid to move towards them that you can't see what's right in front of you - friends, people who care and are so so worried about you and can stare right on through your smiles. They know you're not a forgiving person and they know you don't ask for forgiveness but they've given it to you anyway; maybe you're just afraid to see it.

"Please, forgive me."

The darkness doesn't answer you; your bedsprings creak.

"I'm sorry."

You've never been afraid of the darkness, but this darkness terrifies you.

"I forgive you."


End file.
